Politically Speaking

So sick of all the election drama?  I am too.  First of all, I don't understand how people believe any of what either party is saying.  Both sides are willing to go to great lengths to get votes.  It seems like both Mitt and Barack have decided that too much is at stake to publically connect with their core beliefs.  It is far from being that simple.

I don't watch the debates because I don't see how being a good public speaker, or being good at making your oponent look bad, has anything to do with being a good leader.  Charisma is nice, but can be very deceiving.  For that matter, I am not interested in anyone's platforms, or any other style of shoe that may be presented to the voters in order to win them over.  Its all buzz words, one-liners, words that a team of experts craftily string together in order to make the candidate relatable to the majority of voters.  Its amusing how everyone gets so swept up in their own side, without any real understanding.  The purpose of the campaign is not to educate, its to gain votes.  We are responding to propaganda.

Both parties appeal to our fears in order to win. I'm afraid Big Bird will lose his job. I'm also very afraid of losing funding for education. You might be afraid that your hard-earned dollars are being taken to support the lazy lifestyle of someone who should be earning their own money, rather than living off of yours.  Perhaps that lazy person doesn't even legally belong here. I get that.

(that guy offering to help us pack is a Native American, get it?  his headress didn't make the cut-off)

That said, I'd like to share how I survived the last 14 months as a single mom of a baby and little kid.  I am the recipient of Federal Aide.  I am willing and able to work, and I spent months applying for every job I remotely qualified for that would enable me to be relatively close to my babies for the majority of hours in any given day.  That plan has not panned out yet, and I'm cool with that.  I've got angels, and people, and thanks to your tax dollars, my children are clothed, warm at night, and well-fed. 

These funds have kept us physically afloat, and perhaps more importantly, gives me peace. In a confusing, scary, and horribly insecure time in my life, Federal Aide took care of me. Federal Aide was there for me.

Specifically, Obama's Home Affordable Program.  If you don't know about this, it is such a pleasure to introduce you to this brilliant assistance for those of us, and our numbers grow daily, who find it impossible to keep up with our mortgage payment.  www.makinghomeaffordable.gov

If you have had hardship leading to reduced household income, and your mortgage is backed by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, the Home Affordable Program has options, reducing your mortgage to 2% for the life or the loan.  Contact your lender for more information.

I have personally benefitted from this president's leadership.  And that is real testimony.

It's a MANIFESTO!

Sometimes I feel an external pressure that I don't make great enough efforts to preserve my child's innocence. 

In some circumstances, like when it comes to TV, I have been conciously making an effort to change the channel before Spongebob ends and Victorious, or any other teen dramedy begins and sucks him into the cool zone.  Yesterday, I made a quick switch from Nickelodeon to National Geographic just in time for Shane to witness the dramatization of a mysterious river monster pulling a bathing toddler under to his demise.

Did you ever notice how much lying is required in order to preserve a child's innocence? Take Santa Claus, for example.  Why do we give all the credit away for our love and creativity, no to mention hard-earned dollars spent?  And don't even get me started on the Elf on the Shelf. 

Too late.  We got one as a gift.  This elf is supposed to move to a different location in the house every night so in the morning your kids think he is returning to the North Pole to report to Santa on their behavior.  First of all, this is psychotic behavior management.  Second of all, who remembers to move this thing every night?

After I put the kids to bed, I can't even remember my name half the time.  I tried to show Shane how they are sold in boxes at Target, asked him how they could be sold at Target if they were magical and from the North Pole.  He has his reasons still, but when it all blows up at least I can say that I tried.

They are all going to realize at some point that its a sham.  What will they think of us then?  How will we explain the great lengths we've gone to convince them of something that we know isn't true?

That, and I'm a bad liar.  And keeping up the charade is not where I want to invest my energy as a parent.

When Shane asks a question, it doesn't occur to me to make up an answer because it may be more age-appropriate than the truth.  And, can I play this card again?  His baby sister died.  I could not protect him from that, or from seeing his mother's pain and despondency.  He witnessed the tension in the home before Dad moved out.  He took it all in while we were elbow-deep in our own egos, fighting over who should make the calzones.

When I got the phone call that I didn't qualify for the home loan modification, I cried, and I didn't lie about why.  I always add that we have plenty of everything we need, and will always.  I don't want to burden him with adult problems.  I just think that I'm kidding myself if I brush him off when its clear that he has already picked up what I've been throwing down.

And now that he is starting first grade,  I am overwhelmed for so many reasons, but I feel like I'm expected to shove my anxieties deep down, to keep a brave face for him.  I do think there is some merit to that logic.  I know kids take their cues from us about whether or not a situation is safe, and I want him to take any confidence he can from my sure countenance.

I just wonder, what if we stopped pretending to have it all together in front of our kids?  What if we admit to ourselves that our kids witness things in our behavior that we'd like to protected them from?

Like, when we completely lose our shit (it happens), we accept this piece of ourselves, apologize, and set an example of how to bounce back from a tantrum?

Maybe if we allowed ourselves the full range of emotions,  instead of protecing children from our feelings, we would show them that it is safe to feel what they are feeling.  Moreso, that paying attention to our feelings can help us solve problems and lead us to better situations.

What if our children didn't feel hushed for their inquiries into territories we deem as inappropriate for them?  My belief is that our children would grow more comfortable in their own skin, more comfortable with us, and more comfortable here on the planet.  Just plain more comfortable.  ok?

The Better Choice

All this election business.  My impression is that many Christians see being Republican as the Christian thing to be.  That the two go together.  I'm going to be honest for awhile here, and it may offend everyone on either side.  Republicans scare me.  I don't like war.  I'm afraid of people that promote it.  I also feel that sharing what you have with those in need versus keeping it all for yourself, is the Godly choice. 

Speaking of Choice. Here goes...

Wait, I'm going to back it up a bit.  Those crazy old men and their definitions of consentual, "easy" rape versus legitimate rape is so infuriating that rather than enter into that discussion, I choose to sit back and enjoy their public embarrassment.  I'm glad they got "caught" by the media.  And I'm glad for the outcry and the conversations that it is starting.

I don't want those old men passing legislation regarding my rights to my own body.  I get that.  Yet, as I sit here, far away from those stupid old guys and their insane beliefs and their legislative power that makes this even more insane, as I sit here with my own body and my own thoughts, I am overcome with dedication to a cause that doesn't feel like a political stance in the least.

Even so, it feels a little uncomfortable to share, in the wake of this media storm, and more importantly to me, in contrast to many of the women that I most closely relate to, that I am pro-life.

I am pro-life because I believe a decision based on love is always better than a decision based on fear.  Love is not convenient, or planned, but I am sure its always the right direction.

The language of pro-life feels more honest to me. Really, an unplanned pregnancy is a growing person.  There may be a tiny little feminist growing inside of you, making every attempt to telepathically communicate to you that she is interested in her own rights to make decisions over the course of her life.  A tiny feminist whose cuteness if you let her grow will change your life forever.

 A Life is so much more than one choice. An unplanned pregnancy maybe a huge bump in the road, careening your life off course.  I've had my share of bumps, and here is the choice by Grace at long last that I have been able to make: To accept the new course. To connect with the blessings of each road bump. To open myself up to each accosting growth opportunity that the unraveling of dreams can present.

I am pro-life because I care more about the baby than I do a mother's freedom to choose.   There is great wisdom in accepting responsibility for consentual participation in the creation of your child.  I believe that there is deep healing when a mother gives herself over to caring for her new life.  I believe that the decision to allow an unplanned pregnancey to fulfill the life that's already begun, is as much a step toward more fully living your own life.  I feel that the decision to terminate a consentually happened-upon pregnancy could be a step away from your highest and best.

I am pro-life because I am for children.  I believe that our children come to heal us, to help us grow, and to deepen our understanding of life.  I believe that a decision to keep a baby is a decision that will always benefit the mother, and so many other lives as well.  I will take your unplanned baby.  Seriously, give them to me.

I don't want to take someone's right to choose.  But in my humble opinion, there is a better choice.  And choosing well will ultimately add joy to the planet.  To infinity.  And beyond :)

I am pro-life because in my life, I know that heaven is waiting to connect with you, and ready to help you.   I am living proof that divine help is ours for the asking. You can choose LIFE. I believe in you. And I'm not the only one.

For Whatever I'm Worth

Sometimes when I write an entry, I have a hard time making my point.  It might take three or four entries until I see where I've been trying to go.  So, all this talk about faith versus anxieties over income, yada yada (did I spell yada right?), came to a point today:

How I was raised, how many of us were raised, somehow gave us this belief that we have no inherent value.  That we have to work hard to somehow make up for the fact that we exist.  We must perform and be evaluated to determine our worth, if any.

So, now I'm trying to live in the belief that I have inherent worth.  I'm not doing nothing over here, mind you.  I'm doing all the things, morning, noon, and night, to attend to all the needs and many of the whims of my precious children.   I want to enjoy these moments but I often feel blocked by the worry.  Yet, it makes me feel very uncomfortable not to be worrying about increasing my dollar value.  It makes me uncomfortable not to be worrying.  That is some good insight right there.

I am also struggling with the false belief that is the cousin to the previously mentioned false belief:  That I can't get anyone to stay with me.  Everyone, eventually, will smell my disgusting soul stench and abandon me. Geez, that's embarrassing to admit.

So, if my words ever seem over-confident here, understand that I am largely writing to encourage myself up out of the mucky muck.

Here is Big Sister Me's words to Little Sister Me tonight:  You are on a journey.  Have patience, you have plenty of time.  God has not forgotten you.  You attract beings to love and who love you, until the relationship no longer serves your highest good.  As you grow, you attract higher loves, deeper, more capable loves.  Your disgusting soul stench disappears the instant you realize it doesn't exist.

One Kick Butt Summer

Click here to view this photo book larger

I remember signing yearbooks at the end of each school year.  Everyone, every year, wrote the same thing:  "Have a kick ass summer."  Well, I finally did.

We were able to afford to do lots of amazing things, thanks to Living Social deals, coupons, craigslist, and packed lunches.

I wanted to commemorate it. I made this book for Shane to highlight the special events of our amazing summer.  I included (all low quality, I'm afraid) pictures from our Storyland vacation, surfing at Nantasket beach, taking dad on a brunch cruise for Father's Day, and some of my favorite times, just hanging out in our yard.  I made it for free through a promotion by joining The Baby Center, and then Shutterfly offered me Ten bucks to post it to my blog, so here ya go!

Turn your favorite photos into a photo book at Shutterfly.com.

 

Lonely on the ark.

"Maybe God wasn't talking about a literal flood.  Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge, or a flood of awareness.."

"If that's true.  I'm going to be so pissed."

I can relate to Evan's sentiment.  Sometimes I feel like the lonely girl, standing around on this crazy boat all by myself, waiting for my miracle. 

I do believe in Jesus. I take the Bible literally.  It feels a little lonely here sometimes.  Sometimes I feel like if someone professes to believe in Jesus,it is assumed that they also shame people of other beliefs, and vote Republican.

More and more people seem to migrate towards the "spiritual but not religious" category.  I know many members of this group were raised in the Church.  Traumatized by their upbringing by Christians, in their families maybe.  Maybe these individuals were disillusioned by the Christian name to the point that they threw the baby Jesus out with the bathwater.  (clever, I know)


A close friend and I were discussing our beliefs.  Paraphrased, she was saying that the Bible is a historical novel, and the problem with taking it literally is that you base your feelings of right and wrong on something that is from an antiquated time period.  Women were property back then, don't you know.  That's a good point.

But I want to believe, I do believe, I'm allowed to believe that all the stories in the Bible are true, and still walk away with a love for Jesus, and gay people, and Jewish people, and even the Republicans ;).  

I don't find anything in the Bible that makes it OK to shame others. Or even ourselves. Pray instead of worry, love love love.  I absolutely don't have all the answers.  I don't even want all the answers.  I just have my Faith.  And I want to live as though my purpose here is to love.  It's a challenge, because I have grown accustomed to other, less lovely feelings.

Looking at Birds

People are worried.  I'm getting that feeling.  I've alluded to the fact that I haven't made a house payment in over a year.  And I don't have a job.  Friends have been asking, nudging, stating what I could do for work.  I sense that I'm making people nervous. 

Good.

My whole life, I have taken on big responsabilities. I gave my all to my employers, I dressed to impress, my numbers were good. I have always been motivated to make the most money for my time. Now that I have small children so much moreso. Now that I engage in the work of creating a healing home environment for myself and said children, my price per hour raises all the more.

I am willing to work.  And I have recently, often, looked for work.  I have feverishly applied for every job on craigslist that I remotely qualify for. I search the new jobs in my area at Care.com several times a week.  It occurs to me, as I attach resumes to emails that highlight my marketable skills, that this feels like a stressful waste of energy.  It feels like giving up, and makes me feel nervous, and anxious, and like I am flirting with sacrificing what is best for my family out of fear.

I consider that I would reach my goal faster by sitting in my rocking chair with a cup of tea and remind God of what I need, and remind myself of all the wonderful possibilities.


I know, that me + single motherhood + job stress = more yelling at my children = unhappy life.  So, I need an income-generating activity that not only pays very well per hour but that is also an activity that reduces stress.

Buttttt....  You may say, and there are little voices within me that agree with you, being homeless isn't good for the children either. 

Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow.  They neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that King Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these...

Are you not of more value than they?  Will he not much more feed and clothe (and house) you?


Why am I not worried?  I am trying out on a new track.  My story is becoming one of the stories that I've heard about, that used to make me feel like I wasn't worthy or good enough, or that I lacked the essential nutrients to make things work out in my life.  I'm trying on a new faith.  My story is one that all works out, because I'm open to miracles.  Because I insist on them.

Therefore do not worry, for your Heavenly Father knows that you need all of these things.  Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added to you.

A Very Good Year

I've been a single mom for a year.  This makes me proud, excited, and depressed all at once.  I could wax poetic about it all, but I'm too darn tired.  And that, my friends, about sums it up.




I'm adding on here a few days later because I want to give justice to this hallmark.  I sacrificed a lot in marriage.  As did my husband.  Marriage is a beautiful thing, and it is also an extremely hard thing, from my experience and observation.  There was a time where I would have sacrificed anything to stay married, but I wasn't given that choice.  Now I'm grateful for that fact.  And someday I hope to be partnered up with some amazing spirit that is housed in warm flesh and blood, but for now, I am glad for the break.  Sometimes I even feel sorry for married people.

This past year started in a panicked stream of tears.  August 2, 2011 I felt untethered to the Earth, and not in a good way.  I repeated the phrase "I'm in crisis."  I asked for help.  I cheered myself up by bringing bright, colorful decor into the home. Without asking anyone.  We brought in lots more pets.  We started eating meals at the table.  I gathered around me, and was gathered into circles of friends that inspire me and support me.  I spent evenings reading books filled with wisdom and comfort.  It has been one of the best years of my life.