So, last week's fishy funeral kind of sent me down a spiral. There's a lot of this phrase being thrown around these days: Don't be a victim.
What does it mean to not be a victim? What does it look like? Someone's nipping you to death, someone is killing you, how do you not be a victim? Sometimes (now) I feel like everyone's victim. I see myself operating from this wounded place. So determined was I after my fish died to not be the victim, that I found myself acting defensively all the time. Yelling at people. My children. Their father. For stupid things, like being loud or asking me a question I didn't think was any of my business anymore. Things I've seen myself handle way better when I wasn't trying so hard.
Most of the time, I do great, I skip through it all singing Tra la la. Until something happens that reminds me that this crap is hard. This happened at a Mother's Day show where mom storytellers shared little glimpses into their experiences. It was intended to celebrate us. It was intended to help us all feel less alone. I let myself see a glimpse of how hard life is, and I start to panic.
How do I use this time wisely? I pay attention to my thoughts and feelings. I look behind the panic, the defense. I see that my energy is running low. I see that I need to assure myself that I am safe. That I am doing it. Even when I feel like I'm not doing it right, I am still doing it well.
Prayer helps. Cutting back the caffeine helps. A nice long break works every time, if you can get one.
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