It is usually easy for me to be thankful. Here in Missouri, with all the cousins, aunts, brothers. I want to enjoy this. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Everyone else here is a two-parent family. It's embarrassing to me that my family is incomplete. It's lonely. And it makes me feel so angry. Last year I was single too, not officially just separated, like I am still. I was so euphoric to be freed from so much ridiculous tension in the house, that somehow it didn't feel this hard.
It has taken a long time for that euphoria to wear off. And knowing now about the sham, and the fact that I stupidly believed in something that was so obviously not so, makes me want to vomit. I wish I could go back in time about 13 years, and make better decisions. I want desperately to move out of this place in my mind. I'm stuck here. My mind feels like a caged animal searching furiously for the exit.
I am a sea mammal, living my life in the water, in which I cannot breathe. I need to swim to the surface, where I can see the horizon, the sun's white light, and take in some air. I need that moment of surface time, communing with God. To remember that I am his child, that I am loved, and that there is a beautiful plan and purpose to my life.
Even though in this moment, it looks like I'm the one that got left out of the plan.
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