It is usually easy for me to be thankful. Here in Missouri, with all the cousins, aunts, brothers. I want to enjoy this. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Everyone else here is a two-parent family. It's embarrassing to me that my family is incomplete. It's lonely. And it makes me feel so angry. Last year I was single too, not officially just separated, like I am still. I was so euphoric to be freed from so much ridiculous tension in the house, that somehow it didn't feel this hard.
It has taken a long time for that euphoria to wear off. And knowing now about the sham, and the fact that I stupidly believed in something that was so obviously not so, makes me want to vomit. I wish I could go back in time about 13 years, and make better decisions. I want desperately to move out of this place in my mind. I'm stuck here. My mind feels like a caged animal searching furiously for the exit.
I am a sea mammal, living my life in the water, in which I cannot breathe. I need to swim to the surface, where I can see the horizon, the sun's white light, and take in some air. I need that moment of surface time, communing with God. To remember that I am his child, that I am loved, and that there is a beautiful plan and purpose to my life.
Even though in this moment, it looks like I'm the one that got left out of the plan.
Nov 22, 2012
Nov 10, 2012
Thankful for It All
Well, I stumbled upon some information this week that I should have been prepared for. I wasn't surprised, but neither was I prepared. This information confirmed the status of the relationship between someone who was once my husband and someone who was once my friend, his female roomate.
Duh, I know.
OK, so, I'm not ready to write this. Check back in a few days.
OK, I'm back.
I am so thankful that the truth is finally in the light. I found out so serendipitously, there is no question that the Angels were involved.
I am angry. I am hurting. I thought I had grieved this thing fully already. Acceptance of this additional tidbit to my life story, is hard. Accepting this state of affairs brings new pain to my perspective of our marriage and its ending. I realize how soft I've been, how easily manipulated. How unfair I've been to myself, you know, because I was concerned about being fair to someone else. Fair is fair to both parties. And now that I have more of the facts about what is going on, that's how it will be from now on.
Since Brynn died, I get told a lot about how strong I am. I am kind of tired of everyone talking about how strong I am. I want to be like everyone else, looking at someone else's story thinking how they could never handle it. I don't know how anyone defines strength. I don't think I've ever tried to be strong. I let my tears come. Watching my kids play. While driving. Over green tea at Panera. I don't push the pain out. I feel it, and whisper gentle comforts to myself.
What I do, when my thoughts wander into that house down the street, is gently bring myself back to my own life. I am in my house, and this story is about me. Not them. If my mind keeps sneaking off to wander into someone else's house, then it's being unfaithful to its purpose. I gently, patiently remind myself, and bring myself back to my highest and best. It feels like breaking an addiction.
I know Jesus is quoted as saying "Deny Thyself." That seems to get confused into "Don't Love Thyself." Not loving yourself is a much less efficient road, and doesn't lead to good places. I lovingly, patiently, sweetly deny myself from lingering in the places of my mind that postpone healing.
I am in the business of bringing honor to my sons and daughter, thereby honoring all things. Honor honors everything, and Fair is Fair to everyone. Not everyone chooses this path.
I am glad for all of this crap. Because you, nor I, know how strong we are until we have to shovel through some of life's crap. A friend likens all of this crap in life as manuer, which seasons and turns to compost, which nourishes all the growing things in our garden. And the work of grief, like shoveling compost, strengthens us. And the strength that I've gained affords me a deeper well from which to draw happiness and peace. My prayer life, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I know that you can be just as strong. I recommend starting by mustering up some love for yourself.
Duh, I know.
OK, so, I'm not ready to write this. Check back in a few days.
OK, I'm back.
I am so thankful that the truth is finally in the light. I found out so serendipitously, there is no question that the Angels were involved.
I am angry. I am hurting. I thought I had grieved this thing fully already. Acceptance of this additional tidbit to my life story, is hard. Accepting this state of affairs brings new pain to my perspective of our marriage and its ending. I realize how soft I've been, how easily manipulated. How unfair I've been to myself, you know, because I was concerned about being fair to someone else. Fair is fair to both parties. And now that I have more of the facts about what is going on, that's how it will be from now on.
Since Brynn died, I get told a lot about how strong I am. I am kind of tired of everyone talking about how strong I am. I want to be like everyone else, looking at someone else's story thinking how they could never handle it. I don't know how anyone defines strength. I don't think I've ever tried to be strong. I let my tears come. Watching my kids play. While driving. Over green tea at Panera. I don't push the pain out. I feel it, and whisper gentle comforts to myself.
What I do, when my thoughts wander into that house down the street, is gently bring myself back to my own life. I am in my house, and this story is about me. Not them. If my mind keeps sneaking off to wander into someone else's house, then it's being unfaithful to its purpose. I gently, patiently remind myself, and bring myself back to my highest and best. It feels like breaking an addiction.
I know Jesus is quoted as saying "Deny Thyself." That seems to get confused into "Don't Love Thyself." Not loving yourself is a much less efficient road, and doesn't lead to good places. I lovingly, patiently, sweetly deny myself from lingering in the places of my mind that postpone healing.
I am in the business of bringing honor to my sons and daughter, thereby honoring all things. Honor honors everything, and Fair is Fair to everyone. Not everyone chooses this path.
I am glad for all of this crap. Because you, nor I, know how strong we are until we have to shovel through some of life's crap. A friend likens all of this crap in life as manuer, which seasons and turns to compost, which nourishes all the growing things in our garden. And the work of grief, like shoveling compost, strengthens us. And the strength that I've gained affords me a deeper well from which to draw happiness and peace. My prayer life, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I know that you can be just as strong. I recommend starting by mustering up some love for yourself.
Nov 4, 2012
Politically Speaking
So sick of all the election drama? I am too. First of all, I don't understand how people believe any of what either party is saying. Both sides are willing to go to great lengths to get votes. It seems like both Mitt and Barack have decided that too much is at stake to publically connect with their core beliefs. It is far from being that simple.
I don't watch the debates because I don't see how being a good public speaker, or being good at making your oponent look bad, has anything to do with being a good leader. Charisma is nice, but can be very deceiving. For that matter, I am not interested in anyone's platforms, or any other style of shoe that may be presented to the voters in order to win them over. Its all buzz words, one-liners, words that a team of experts craftily string together in order to make the candidate relatable to the majority of voters. Its amusing how everyone gets so swept up in their own side, without any real understanding. The purpose of the campaign is not to educate, its to gain votes. We are responding to propaganda.
Both parties appeal to our fears in order to win. I'm afraid Big Bird will lose his job. I'm also very afraid of losing funding for education. You might be afraid that your hard-earned dollars are being taken to support the lazy lifestyle of someone who should be earning their own money, rather than living off of yours. Perhaps that lazy person doesn't even legally belong here. I get that.
(that guy offering to help us pack is a Native American, get it? his headress didn't make the cut-off)
That said, I'd like to share how I survived the last 14 months as a single mom of a baby and little kid. I am the recipient of Federal Aide. I am willing and able to work, and I spent months applying for every job I remotely qualified for that would enable me to be relatively close to my babies for the majority of hours in any given day. That plan has not panned out yet, and I'm cool with that. I've got angels, and people, and thanks to your tax dollars, my children are clothed, warm at night, and well-fed.
These funds have kept us physically afloat, and perhaps more importantly, gives me peace. In a confusing, scary, and horribly insecure time in my life, Federal Aide took care of me. Federal Aide was there for me.
Specifically, Obama's Home Affordable Program. If you don't know about this, it is such a pleasure to introduce you to this brilliant assistance for those of us, and our numbers grow daily, who find it impossible to keep up with our mortgage payment. www.makinghomeaffordable.gov
If you have had hardship leading to reduced household income, and your mortgage is backed by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, the Home Affordable Program has options, reducing your mortgage to 2% for the life or the loan. Contact your lender for more information.
I have personally benefitted from this president's leadership. And that is real testimony.
I don't watch the debates because I don't see how being a good public speaker, or being good at making your oponent look bad, has anything to do with being a good leader. Charisma is nice, but can be very deceiving. For that matter, I am not interested in anyone's platforms, or any other style of shoe that may be presented to the voters in order to win them over. Its all buzz words, one-liners, words that a team of experts craftily string together in order to make the candidate relatable to the majority of voters. Its amusing how everyone gets so swept up in their own side, without any real understanding. The purpose of the campaign is not to educate, its to gain votes. We are responding to propaganda.
Both parties appeal to our fears in order to win. I'm afraid Big Bird will lose his job. I'm also very afraid of losing funding for education. You might be afraid that your hard-earned dollars are being taken to support the lazy lifestyle of someone who should be earning their own money, rather than living off of yours. Perhaps that lazy person doesn't even legally belong here. I get that.
That said, I'd like to share how I survived the last 14 months as a single mom of a baby and little kid. I am the recipient of Federal Aide. I am willing and able to work, and I spent months applying for every job I remotely qualified for that would enable me to be relatively close to my babies for the majority of hours in any given day. That plan has not panned out yet, and I'm cool with that. I've got angels, and people, and thanks to your tax dollars, my children are clothed, warm at night, and well-fed.
These funds have kept us physically afloat, and perhaps more importantly, gives me peace. In a confusing, scary, and horribly insecure time in my life, Federal Aide took care of me. Federal Aide was there for me.
Specifically, Obama's Home Affordable Program. If you don't know about this, it is such a pleasure to introduce you to this brilliant assistance for those of us, and our numbers grow daily, who find it impossible to keep up with our mortgage payment. www.makinghomeaffordable.gov
If you have had hardship leading to reduced household income, and your mortgage is backed by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, the Home Affordable Program has options, reducing your mortgage to 2% for the life or the loan. Contact your lender for more information.
I have personally benefitted from this president's leadership. And that is real testimony.
Oct 18, 2012
It's a MANIFESTO!
Sometimes I feel an external pressure that I don't make great enough efforts to preserve my child's innocence.
In some circumstances, like when it comes to TV, I have been conciously making an effort to change the channel before Spongebob ends and Victorious, or any other teen dramedy begins and sucks him into the cool zone. Yesterday, I made a quick switch from Nickelodeon to National Geographic just in time for Shane to witness the dramatization of a mysterious river monster pulling a bathing toddler under to his demise.
Did you ever notice how much lying is required in order to preserve a child's innocence? Take Santa Claus, for example. Why do we give all the credit away for our love and creativity, no to mention hard-earned dollars spent? And don't even get me started on the Elf on the Shelf.
Too late. We got one as a gift. This elf is supposed to move to a different location in the house every night so in the morning your kids think he is returning to the North Pole to report to Santa on their behavior. First of all, this is psychotic behavior management. Second of all, who remembers to move this thing every night?
After I put the kids to bed, I can't even remember my name half the time. I tried to show Shane how they are sold in boxes at Target, asked him how they could be sold at Target if they were magical and from the North Pole. He has his reasons still, but when it all blows up at least I can say that I tried.
They are all going to realize at some point that its a sham. What will they think of us then? How will we explain the great lengths we've gone to convince them of something that we know isn't true?
That, and I'm a bad liar. And keeping up the charade is not where I want to invest my energy as a parent.
When Shane asks a question, it doesn't occur to me to make up an answer because it may be more age-appropriate than the truth. And, can I play this card again? His baby sister died. I could not protect him from that, or from seeing his mother's pain and despondency. He witnessed the tension in the home before Dad moved out. He took it all in while we were elbow-deep in our own egos, fighting over who should make the calzones.
When I got the phone call that I didn't qualify for the home loan modification, I cried, and I didn't lie about why. I always add that we have plenty of everything we need, and will always. I don't want to burden him with adult problems. I just think that I'm kidding myself if I brush him off when its clear that he has already picked up what I've been throwing down.
And now that he is starting first grade, I am overwhelmed for so many reasons, but I feel like I'm expected to shove my anxieties deep down, to keep a brave face for him. I do think there is some merit to that logic. I know kids take their cues from us about whether or not a situation is safe, and I want him to take any confidence he can from my sure countenance.
I just wonder, what if we stopped pretending to have it all together in front of our kids? What if we admit to ourselves that our kids witness things in our behavior that we'd like to protected them from?
Like, when we completely lose our shit (it happens), we accept this piece of ourselves, apologize, and set an example of how to bounce back from a tantrum?
Maybe if we allowed ourselves the full range of emotions, instead of protecing children from our feelings, we would show them that it is safe to feel what they are feeling. Moreso, that paying attention to our feelings can help us solve problems and lead us to better situations.
What if our children didn't feel hushed for their inquiries into territories we deem as inappropriate for them? My belief is that our children would grow more comfortable in their own skin, more comfortable with us, and more comfortable here on the planet. Just plain more comfortable. ok?
In some circumstances, like when it comes to TV, I have been conciously making an effort to change the channel before Spongebob ends and Victorious, or any other teen dramedy begins and sucks him into the cool zone. Yesterday, I made a quick switch from Nickelodeon to National Geographic just in time for Shane to witness the dramatization of a mysterious river monster pulling a bathing toddler under to his demise.
Did you ever notice how much lying is required in order to preserve a child's innocence? Take Santa Claus, for example. Why do we give all the credit away for our love and creativity, no to mention hard-earned dollars spent? And don't even get me started on the Elf on the Shelf.
After I put the kids to bed, I can't even remember my name half the time. I tried to show Shane how they are sold in boxes at Target, asked him how they could be sold at Target if they were magical and from the North Pole. He has his reasons still, but when it all blows up at least I can say that I tried.
They are all going to realize at some point that its a sham. What will they think of us then? How will we explain the great lengths we've gone to convince them of something that we know isn't true?
That, and I'm a bad liar. And keeping up the charade is not where I want to invest my energy as a parent.
When Shane asks a question, it doesn't occur to me to make up an answer because it may be more age-appropriate than the truth. And, can I play this card again? His baby sister died. I could not protect him from that, or from seeing his mother's pain and despondency. He witnessed the tension in the home before Dad moved out. He took it all in while we were elbow-deep in our own egos, fighting over who should make the calzones.
When I got the phone call that I didn't qualify for the home loan modification, I cried, and I didn't lie about why. I always add that we have plenty of everything we need, and will always. I don't want to burden him with adult problems. I just think that I'm kidding myself if I brush him off when its clear that he has already picked up what I've been throwing down.
And now that he is starting first grade, I am overwhelmed for so many reasons, but I feel like I'm expected to shove my anxieties deep down, to keep a brave face for him. I do think there is some merit to that logic. I know kids take their cues from us about whether or not a situation is safe, and I want him to take any confidence he can from my sure countenance.
I just wonder, what if we stopped pretending to have it all together in front of our kids? What if we admit to ourselves that our kids witness things in our behavior that we'd like to protected them from?
Like, when we completely lose our shit (it happens), we accept this piece of ourselves, apologize, and set an example of how to bounce back from a tantrum?
Maybe if we allowed ourselves the full range of emotions, instead of protecing children from our feelings, we would show them that it is safe to feel what they are feeling. Moreso, that paying attention to our feelings can help us solve problems and lead us to better situations.
What if our children didn't feel hushed for their inquiries into territories we deem as inappropriate for them? My belief is that our children would grow more comfortable in their own skin, more comfortable with us, and more comfortable here on the planet. Just plain more comfortable. ok?
The Better Choice
All this election business. My impression is that many Christians see being Republican as the Christian thing to be. That the two go together. I'm going to be honest for awhile here, and it may offend everyone on either side. Republicans scare me. I don't like war. I'm afraid of people that promote it. I also feel that sharing what you have with those in need versus keeping it all for yourself, is the Godly choice.
Speaking of Choice. Here goes...
Wait, I'm going to back it up a bit. Those crazy old men and their definitions of consentual, "easy" rape versus legitimate rape is so infuriating that rather than enter into that discussion, I choose to sit back and enjoy their public embarrassment. I'm glad they got "caught" by the media. And I'm glad for the outcry and the conversations that it is starting.
I don't want those old men passing legislation regarding my rights to my own body. I get that. Yet, as I sit here, far away from those stupid old guys and their insane beliefs and their legislative power that makes this even more insane, as I sit here with my own body and my own thoughts, I am overcome with dedication to a cause that doesn't feel like a political stance in the least.
Even so, it feels a little uncomfortable to share, in the wake of this media storm, and more importantly to me, in contrast to many of the women that I most closely relate to, that I am pro-life.
I am pro-life because I believe a decision based on love is always better than a decision based on fear. Love is not convenient, or planned, but I am sure its always the right direction.
The language of pro-life feels more honest to me. Really, an unplanned pregnancy is a growing person. There may be a tiny little feminist growing inside of you, making every attempt to telepathically communicate to you that she is interested in her own rights to make decisions over the course of her life. A tiny feminist whose cuteness if you let her grow will change your life forever.
A Life is so much more than one choice. An unplanned pregnancy maybe a huge bump in the road, careening your life off course. I've had my share of bumps, and here is the choice by Grace at long last that I have been able to make: To accept the new course. To connect with the blessings of each road bump. To open myself up to each accosting growth opportunity that the unraveling of dreams can present.
I am pro-life because I care more about the baby than I do a mother's freedom to choose. There is great wisdom in accepting responsibility for consentual participation in the creation of your child. I believe that there is deep healing when a mother gives herself over to caring for her new life. I believe that the decision to allow an unplanned pregnancey to fulfill the life that's already begun, is as much a step toward more fully living your own life. I feel that the decision to terminate a consentually happened-upon pregnancy could be a step away from your highest and best.
I am pro-life because I am for children. I believe that our children come to heal us, to help us grow, and to deepen our understanding of life. I believe that a decision to keep a baby is a decision that will always benefit the mother, and so many other lives as well. I will take your unplanned baby. Seriously, give them to me.
I don't want to take someone's right to choose. But in my humble opinion, there is a better choice. And choosing well will ultimately add joy to the planet. To infinity. And beyond :)
I am pro-life because in my life, I know that heaven is waiting to connect with you, and ready to help you. I am living proof that divine help is ours for the asking. You can choose LIFE. I believe in you. And I'm not the only one.
Speaking of Choice. Here goes...
Wait, I'm going to back it up a bit. Those crazy old men and their definitions of consentual, "easy" rape versus legitimate rape is so infuriating that rather than enter into that discussion, I choose to sit back and enjoy their public embarrassment. I'm glad they got "caught" by the media. And I'm glad for the outcry and the conversations that it is starting.
I don't want those old men passing legislation regarding my rights to my own body. I get that. Yet, as I sit here, far away from those stupid old guys and their insane beliefs and their legislative power that makes this even more insane, as I sit here with my own body and my own thoughts, I am overcome with dedication to a cause that doesn't feel like a political stance in the least.
Even so, it feels a little uncomfortable to share, in the wake of this media storm, and more importantly to me, in contrast to many of the women that I most closely relate to, that I am pro-life.
I am pro-life because I believe a decision based on love is always better than a decision based on fear. Love is not convenient, or planned, but I am sure its always the right direction.
The language of pro-life feels more honest to me. Really, an unplanned pregnancy is a growing person. There may be a tiny little feminist growing inside of you, making every attempt to telepathically communicate to you that she is interested in her own rights to make decisions over the course of her life. A tiny feminist whose cuteness if you let her grow will change your life forever.
A Life is so much more than one choice. An unplanned pregnancy maybe a huge bump in the road, careening your life off course. I've had my share of bumps, and here is the choice by Grace at long last that I have been able to make: To accept the new course. To connect with the blessings of each road bump. To open myself up to each accosting growth opportunity that the unraveling of dreams can present.
I am pro-life because I care more about the baby than I do a mother's freedom to choose. There is great wisdom in accepting responsibility for consentual participation in the creation of your child. I believe that there is deep healing when a mother gives herself over to caring for her new life. I believe that the decision to allow an unplanned pregnancey to fulfill the life that's already begun, is as much a step toward more fully living your own life. I feel that the decision to terminate a consentually happened-upon pregnancy could be a step away from your highest and best.
I am pro-life because I am for children. I believe that our children come to heal us, to help us grow, and to deepen our understanding of life. I believe that a decision to keep a baby is a decision that will always benefit the mother, and so many other lives as well. I will take your unplanned baby. Seriously, give them to me.
I don't want to take someone's right to choose. But in my humble opinion, there is a better choice. And choosing well will ultimately add joy to the planet. To infinity. And beyond :)
I am pro-life because in my life, I know that heaven is waiting to connect with you, and ready to help you. I am living proof that divine help is ours for the asking. You can choose LIFE. I believe in you. And I'm not the only one.
Aug 24, 2012
For Whatever I'm Worth
Sometimes when I write an entry, I have a hard time making my point. It might take three or four entries until I see where I've been trying to go. So, all this talk about faith versus anxieties over income, yada yada (did I spell yada right?), came to a point today:
How I was raised, how many of us were raised, somehow gave us this belief that we have no inherent value. That we have to work hard to somehow make up for the fact that we exist. We must perform and be evaluated to determine our worth, if any.
So, now I'm trying to live in the belief that I have inherent worth. I'm not doing nothing over here, mind you. I'm doing all the things, morning, noon, and night, to attend to all the needs and many of the whims of my precious children. I want to enjoy these moments but I often feel blocked by the worry. Yet, it makes me feel very uncomfortable not to be worrying about increasing my dollar value. It makes me uncomfortable not to be worrying. That is some good insight right there.
I am also struggling with the false belief that is the cousin to the previously mentioned false belief: That I can't get anyone to stay with me. Everyone, eventually, will smell my disgusting soul stench and abandon me. Geez, that's embarrassing to admit.
So, if my words ever seem over-confident here, understand that I am largely writing to encourage myself up out of the mucky muck.
Here is Big Sister Me's words to Little Sister Me tonight: You are on a journey. Have patience, you have plenty of time. God has not forgotten you. You attract beings to love and who love you, until the relationship no longer serves your highest good. As you grow, you attract higher loves, deeper, more capable loves. Your disgusting soul stench disappears the instant you realize it doesn't exist.
How I was raised, how many of us were raised, somehow gave us this belief that we have no inherent value. That we have to work hard to somehow make up for the fact that we exist. We must perform and be evaluated to determine our worth, if any.
So, now I'm trying to live in the belief that I have inherent worth. I'm not doing nothing over here, mind you. I'm doing all the things, morning, noon, and night, to attend to all the needs and many of the whims of my precious children. I want to enjoy these moments but I often feel blocked by the worry. Yet, it makes me feel very uncomfortable not to be worrying about increasing my dollar value. It makes me uncomfortable not to be worrying. That is some good insight right there.
I am also struggling with the false belief that is the cousin to the previously mentioned false belief: That I can't get anyone to stay with me. Everyone, eventually, will smell my disgusting soul stench and abandon me. Geez, that's embarrassing to admit.
So, if my words ever seem over-confident here, understand that I am largely writing to encourage myself up out of the mucky muck.
Here is Big Sister Me's words to Little Sister Me tonight: You are on a journey. Have patience, you have plenty of time. God has not forgotten you. You attract beings to love and who love you, until the relationship no longer serves your highest good. As you grow, you attract higher loves, deeper, more capable loves. Your disgusting soul stench disappears the instant you realize it doesn't exist.
One Kick Butt Summer
Click here to view this photo book larger
I remember signing yearbooks at the end of each school year. Everyone, every year, wrote the same thing: "Have a kick ass summer." Well, I finally did.
We were able to afford to do lots of amazing things, thanks to Living Social deals, coupons, craigslist, and packed lunches.
I wanted to commemorate it. I made this book for Shane to highlight the special events of our amazing summer. I included (all low quality, I'm afraid) pictures from our Storyland vacation, surfing at Nantasket beach, taking dad on a brunch cruise for Father's Day, and some of my favorite times, just hanging out in our yard. I made it for free through a promotion by joining The Baby Center, and then Shutterfly offered me Ten bucks to post it to my blog, so here ya go!
I remember signing yearbooks at the end of each school year. Everyone, every year, wrote the same thing: "Have a kick ass summer." Well, I finally did.
We were able to afford to do lots of amazing things, thanks to Living Social deals, coupons, craigslist, and packed lunches.
I wanted to commemorate it. I made this book for Shane to highlight the special events of our amazing summer. I included (all low quality, I'm afraid) pictures from our Storyland vacation, surfing at Nantasket beach, taking dad on a brunch cruise for Father's Day, and some of my favorite times, just hanging out in our yard. I made it for free through a promotion by joining The Baby Center, and then Shutterfly offered me Ten bucks to post it to my blog, so here ya go!
Turn your favorite photos into a photo book at Shutterfly.com.
Aug 21, 2012
Lonely on the ark.
"Maybe God wasn't talking about a literal flood. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge, or a flood of awareness.."
"If that's true. I'm going to be so pissed."
I can relate to Evan's sentiment. Sometimes I feel like the lonely girl, standing around on this crazy boat all by myself, waiting for my miracle.
I do believe in Jesus. I take the Bible literally. It feels a little lonely here sometimes. Sometimes I feel like if someone professes to believe in Jesus,it is assumed that they also shame people of other beliefs, and vote Republican.
More and more people seem to migrate towards the "spiritual but not religious" category. I know many members of this group were raised in the Church. Traumatized by their upbringing by Christians, in their families maybe. Maybe these individuals were disillusioned by the Christian name to the point that they threw the baby Jesus out with the bathwater. (clever, I know)
A close friend and I were discussing our beliefs. Paraphrased, she was saying that the Bible is a historical novel, and the problem with taking it literally is that you base your feelings of right and wrong on something that is from an antiquated time period. Women were property back then, don't you know. That's a good point.
But I want to believe, I do believe, I'm allowed to believe that all the stories in the Bible are true, and still walk away with a love for Jesus, and gay people, and Jewish people, and even the Republicans ;).
I don't find anything in the Bible that makes it OK to shame others. Or even ourselves. Pray instead of worry, love love love. I absolutely don't have all the answers. I don't even want all the answers. I just have my Faith. And I want to live as though my purpose here is to love. It's a challenge, because I have grown accustomed to other, less lovely feelings.
"If that's true. I'm going to be so pissed."
I can relate to Evan's sentiment. Sometimes I feel like the lonely girl, standing around on this crazy boat all by myself, waiting for my miracle.
I do believe in Jesus. I take the Bible literally. It feels a little lonely here sometimes. Sometimes I feel like if someone professes to believe in Jesus,it is assumed that they also shame people of other beliefs, and vote Republican.
More and more people seem to migrate towards the "spiritual but not religious" category. I know many members of this group were raised in the Church. Traumatized by their upbringing by Christians, in their families maybe. Maybe these individuals were disillusioned by the Christian name to the point that they threw the baby Jesus out with the bathwater. (clever, I know)
A close friend and I were discussing our beliefs. Paraphrased, she was saying that the Bible is a historical novel, and the problem with taking it literally is that you base your feelings of right and wrong on something that is from an antiquated time period. Women were property back then, don't you know. That's a good point.
But I want to believe, I do believe, I'm allowed to believe that all the stories in the Bible are true, and still walk away with a love for Jesus, and gay people, and Jewish people, and even the Republicans ;).
I don't find anything in the Bible that makes it OK to shame others. Or even ourselves. Pray instead of worry, love love love. I absolutely don't have all the answers. I don't even want all the answers. I just have my Faith. And I want to live as though my purpose here is to love. It's a challenge, because I have grown accustomed to other, less lovely feelings.
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