Oct 2, 2013

All the Single Ladies

When I was married, and other people's marriages "terminated" around us, I felt the tiniest bit smug.  Other people's divorces were a barometer for my own marriage.  We were still in it, so, we must be doing it right. Ours must be a good marriage.  Otherwise, I wasn't sure if my marriage was good or bad.  We had hard times, but he was my husband, and marriage is always hard, right?


Relationship me.  I don't know her very well.  I have such a blind spot there.

Independent me, la chica sola, is brash and in your face.  Cries freely, feels great about crying.  Trusts herself.  Is tuned in.  Independent me is a fierce leader.  She's got the moves like Jagger, she's got the mooooooooooves like Jagger.  Sorry, that song is in my head.

Relationship me is a dark spot.  It's hard to enlighten her.  She is stuck in old ways.  When I like a boy, it feels like fear.  I'm afraid to cry in front of boys.  They don't seem to like crying.  Relationship me is kind of creepy.  She has all of these uncomfortable, self-doubty kinds of feelings.  She feels lost.  Desperate.  She doesn't speak up.  She isn't good at it.

Relationship me doesn't have a great track record.  If I measure a relationship on lasting alone, it could be said that I've never had a good relationship.  That's how it feels.  That's where my fear sits.

Jimmy and I were so in love once.  We were always laughing.  He made funny faces at me during our wedding ceremony.  We danced like crazy goof-balls at our reception.  We were so happy. I felt so secure. So sure.

It's OK that we got married.  It's OK that it didn't last.  I have given way too much thought, way too much power to the terms good and bad where relationships are concerned.  It could be said that I've never had a good relationship.  It could also be said, and more accurately, that I've never had a bad relationship.

The answer is still, and again, love.  I don't regret loving Jimmy.  I won't ever regret any love that I've given or received.  We didn't know, couldn't know..  And it's OK.

And it's brave to try again.  Married people don't have all the answers.  They don't know more than single people.  Single people have a different kind of endurance.  We open, we hope, bravely, we get our asses kicked, we lick our wounds, and we bravely open and hope again.  and again.  and again.  In spite or our track records.

Like warriors.