Nov 22, 2012


It is usually easy for me to be thankful.  Here in Missouri, with all the cousins, aunts, brothers.  I want to enjoy this.  I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  Everyone else here is a two-parent family.  It's embarrassing to me that my family is incomplete.  It's lonely.  And it makes me feel so angry.  Last year I was single too, not officially just separated, like I am still.  I was so euphoric to be freed from so much ridiculous tension in the house, that somehow it didn't feel this hard.

It has taken a long time for that euphoria to wear off.  And knowing now about the sham, and the fact that I stupidly believed in something that was so obviously not so, makes me want to vomit.  I wish I could go back in time about 13 years, and make better decisions.  I want desperately to move out of this place in my mind.  I'm stuck here.  My mind feels like a caged animal searching furiously for the exit.

I am a sea mammal, living my life in the water, in which I cannot breathe.  I need to swim to the surface, where I can see the horizon, the sun's white light, and take in some air.  I need that moment of surface time, communing with God.  To remember that I am his child, that I am loved, and that there is a beautiful plan and purpose to my life.

Even though in this moment, it looks like I'm the one that got left out of the plan.

Nov 10, 2012

Thankful for It All

Well, I stumbled upon some information this week that I should have been prepared for.  I wasn't surprised, but neither was I prepared.  This information confirmed the status of the relationship between someone who was once my husband and someone who was once my friend, his female roomate. 
Duh, I know.

OK, so, I'm not ready to write this. Check back in a few days.

OK, I'm back.

I am so thankful that the truth is finally in the light. I found out so serendipitously, there is no question that the Angels were involved.

I am angry.  I am hurting.  I thought I had grieved this thing fully already.  Acceptance of this additional tidbit to my life story, is hard.  Accepting this state of affairs brings new pain to my perspective of our marriage and its ending.  I realize how soft I've been, how easily manipulated.  How unfair I've been to myself, you know, because I was concerned about being fair to someone else.  Fair is fair to both parties.  And now that I have more of the facts about what is going on, that's how it will be from now on.

Since Brynn died, I get told a lot about how strong I am. I am kind of tired of everyone talking about how strong I am. I want to be like everyone else, looking at someone else's story thinking how they could never handle it. I don't know how anyone defines strength. I don't think I've ever tried to be strong. I let my tears come. Watching my kids play. While driving. Over green tea at Panera. I don't push the pain out. I feel it, and whisper gentle comforts to myself.

What I do, when my thoughts wander into that house down the street, is gently bring myself back to my own life.  I am in my house, and this story is about me.  Not them.  If my mind keeps sneaking off to wander into someone else's house, then it's being unfaithful to its purpose.  I gently, patiently remind myself, and bring myself back to my highest and best.  It feels like breaking an addiction.  

I know Jesus is quoted as saying "Deny Thyself."  That seems to get confused into "Don't Love Thyself."  Not loving yourself is a much less efficient road, and doesn't lead to good places.  I lovingly, patiently, sweetly deny myself from lingering in the places of my mind that postpone healing.

I am in the business of bringing honor to my sons and daughter, thereby honoring all things. Honor honors everything, and Fair is Fair to everyone. Not everyone chooses this path.

I am glad for all of this crap.  Because you, nor I, know how strong we are until we have to shovel through some of life's crap.  A friend likens all of this crap in life as manuer, which seasons and turns to compost, which nourishes all the growing things in our garden. And the work of grief, like shoveling compost, strengthens us.  And the strength that I've gained affords me a deeper well from which to draw happiness and peace.  My prayer life, I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

I know that you can be just as strong.  I recommend starting by mustering up some love for yourself.

Nov 4, 2012

Politically Speaking

So sick of all the election drama?  I am too.  First of all, I don't understand how people believe any of what either party is saying.  Both sides are willing to go to great lengths to get votes.  It seems like both Mitt and Barack have decided that too much is at stake to publically connect with their core beliefs.  It is far from being that simple.

I don't watch the debates because I don't see how being a good public speaker, or being good at making your oponent look bad, has anything to do with being a good leader.  Charisma is nice, but can be very deceiving.  For that matter, I am not interested in anyone's platforms, or any other style of shoe that may be presented to the voters in order to win them over.  Its all buzz words, one-liners, words that a team of experts craftily string together in order to make the candidate relatable to the majority of voters.  Its amusing how everyone gets so swept up in their own side, without any real understanding.  The purpose of the campaign is not to educate, its to gain votes.  We are responding to propaganda.

Both parties appeal to our fears in order to win. I'm afraid Big Bird will lose his job. I'm also very afraid of losing funding for education. You might be afraid that your hard-earned dollars are being taken to support the lazy lifestyle of someone who should be earning their own money, rather than living off of yours.  Perhaps that lazy person doesn't even legally belong here. I get that.

(that guy offering to help us pack is a Native American, get it?  his headress didn't make the cut-off)

That said, I'd like to share how I survived the last 14 months as a single mom of a baby and little kid.  I am the recipient of Federal Aide.  I am willing and able to work, and I spent months applying for every job I remotely qualified for that would enable me to be relatively close to my babies for the majority of hours in any given day.  That plan has not panned out yet, and I'm cool with that.  I've got angels, and people, and thanks to your tax dollars, my children are clothed, warm at night, and well-fed. 

These funds have kept us physically afloat, and perhaps more importantly, gives me peace. In a confusing, scary, and horribly insecure time in my life, Federal Aide took care of me. Federal Aide was there for me.

Specifically, Obama's Home Affordable Program.  If you don't know about this, it is such a pleasure to introduce you to this brilliant assistance for those of us, and our numbers grow daily, who find it impossible to keep up with our mortgage payment.

If you have had hardship leading to reduced household income, and your mortgage is backed by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, the Home Affordable Program has options, reducing your mortgage to 2% for the life or the loan.  Contact your lender for more information.

I have personally benefitted from this president's leadership.  And that is real testimony.