Bad Days

I recently wrote in my journal that Acceptance is a Tear Count. Every tear gets me that much closer to the goal, which I guess is acceptance.

Accepting is tricky though. There are many levels to cross. Some days I still have some fantastic delusions that I can somehow get Brynn back, even 12 weeks after learning that she died. At times I find myself clinging to things that shouldn't matter, and later realize it had some small remembrance of something that happened when I was pregnant, events are categorized pre and post calamity. My highs are higher, for some reason. My lows are frantic and wild. I don't recognize myself.

As I grow stronger I take on tougher tasks, which bring me back down to a vulnerable state. Today I spell-checked her name and confirmed her birthdate for the head stone. I also researched funeral poems and designed the prayer card for her memorial service. I should have expected this would make my day hard. But I didn't see it coming.

I felt sad and lonely all day, desperately insecure. I was not nice. I tried to get myself out of it with music, reading, extra coffee (admittedly not the best idea). A few petty things happened today and almost threw me over the edge. I actually roared at Shane. Like a lion. He ran away crying.

I don't want to be like that. For a moment today I played the grief card. People should be nice to me because they know I'm grieving. Life doesn't work like that! I still have to be the bigger person sometimes, I have to forgive more often. There's a really good reason for my bad days now, but it doesn't excuse my bad behavior. I have even better reasons to rise above the mucky muck. I have two children and a husband to honor today.

I find it wise on these days to go with the flow, knowing that really awesome days often follow the bad ones. Some days the best we can do is to survive them. And now I sing The Sun"ll Come Out Tomorrow at the top of my lungs! Sing it with me!