Perspective

My spirit daughter is over two years old. Someone I hadn't seen in longer than that,  delicately asked how all that had been for me.

Looking back, I can quickly admit that I am a happier person because of the perspective I've gained.  I'm happier than I've ever been.  I'm honestly grateful for the experience.  Loving Brynn, and experiencing that deep sorrow, and exposing my most desperate self has softened me. I have been largely freed from worries. I survived what I thought I could never survive.  So I will survive it all, until I don't, and then it won't matter. 

Until Brynn died, I was unsure that people could really communicate with the dead.  But now its undeniable.  She is with me.  I hesitate to talk about it, because its hard to understand until you've experienced it.  Years ago, I would have thought the suggestion to be unchristian.  Here's how I can best describe it.  When Brynn died, the top of my head opened in direct connection with heaven.  I moved closer to heaven, and heaven moved closer to me.  I just know now.


Last night Noah was taking my tea cup to his mouth and making sounds with it, then he'd put it to Shane's mouth, then my mouth, and around again.  I thought about when I bought that mug, an earthy blue, that it reminded me of the baby I carried within, a most serene being.  Its my Noah mug.  I thought about how happy my then me would be to see this sight, the three of us, laughing and playing with it.  My happy, adorable, children with bodies that I can hold, cheeks I can press mine against.  I don't miss one moment like this.  Every moment like this makes me grateful.  This perspective is Brynn's gift to me.

I am an unemployed single mom, with one ghost baby, and I'm completely in love with my life.