Nov 22, 2012


It is usually easy for me to be thankful.  Here in Missouri, with all the cousins, aunts, brothers.  I want to enjoy this.  I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  Everyone else here is a two-parent family.  It's embarrassing to me that my family is incomplete.  It's lonely.  And it makes me feel so angry.  Last year I was single too, not officially just separated, like I am still.  I was so euphoric to be freed from so much ridiculous tension in the house, that somehow it didn't feel this hard.

It has taken a long time for that euphoria to wear off.  And knowing now about the sham, and the fact that I stupidly believed in something that was so obviously not so, makes me want to vomit.  I wish I could go back in time about 13 years, and make better decisions.  I want desperately to move out of this place in my mind.  I'm stuck here.  My mind feels like a caged animal searching furiously for the exit.

I am a sea mammal, living my life in the water, in which I cannot breathe.  I need to swim to the surface, where I can see the horizon, the sun's white light, and take in some air.  I need that moment of surface time, communing with God.  To remember that I am his child, that I am loved, and that there is a beautiful plan and purpose to my life.

Even though in this moment, it looks like I'm the one that got left out of the plan.

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