Anyway, apparently I should be stronger. I want to break stuff. I don't like being told what I should do. It fires up my rage. There's good information for me there. I feel like there is already too much, without having to somehow figure out how to be stronger, already too much I should be doing. The phrases "sucks at life" and "unfit mother" repeat themselves like scratched vinyl in my brain.
My solution is to take like medicine a long moment to myself. Reconnect. Love it up in there. Say the things out loud that I feel ashamed to admit...
Parenting is very hard for me. I want a long break from it. I'm afraid that I'm hurting my relationship with my son, and therefore his relationship with the world.
I'm afraid I will continue to attract men into my life that are not the best partners for me. I'm afraid that if I meet a man that I think would be a good partner, then all my crazy will come to the surface, and I mean CRAZY. I'm afraid if I get a glimpse of what a good partnership would look like, I will go mad and surely, surely repel that potentially good partner. I might hurl heavy rocks at him, just to be completely sure to sabotage my own happiness. I'm afraid that I don't believe in "True Love" anymore. I had it, and it was a tremendous amount of work and pain.
I'm afraid that my beliefs no longer align with the religion that I've chosen and love so much. I believe in and love my Jesus, and the saints and angels, but I believe equally in acceptance and love of all walks of life, which I do not see in practice in Orthodox, or most other forms of Christianity. I'm afraid this outing will cost me friendships.
I'm afraid that not paying for my house might be really really stupid. I stand by my decision for now, but the fear exists.
I feel better now. Thank you for listening, Teresa. I love you.