Buried in a T-shirt!!??

Diving deep into the wreck this week, friends.  I didn't intend to be such a mess but it feels fine to me.  I'll make this quick so I can stop ignoring my son, left alone to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse once again.  I've needed this week to do/have something tangible for Brynn, and someway of connecting with her as well as the baby in my belly, who both feel just like figments of my imagination lately.  I've become increasingly curious about what Brynn was wearing to be buried in, one thing that did not occur to us in all our shock and grief during the week between her birth and her burial, six months ago today.

I've been meaning to contact that beautiful soul of a funeral director, Matthew O'Neil of Middleboro MA, and ask him if I could buy the same gown she had worn.  He was gracious as he always is, but he said he didn't provide anything.  The hospital had provided an "outfit."  He didn't know the name for it.

No problem, I'll just call the hospital and ask them.  It's almost comical, when I call the maternity ward and introduce myself as Teresa Foley, whose daughter was stillborn there on January of this year, "Uh, can you please hold?"  I got transferred around to a voice mail, and called back.  Once again, I was immediately put on hold.  Clearly, nobody wants to talk to the dead girl's mom!

Finally, a nurse got on and I was able to ask what theydress stillborns in.  She said all they would have are T-shirts.  ARE YOU SURE?  Yep.  What about a diaper?  Maybe.  Now, most people don't know this but stillborns still poop.  Brynn did all over the blanket they initially wrapped her in.  A Mother F-ing t-shirt.

I keep telling myself it's just more thing I have to let go.  I could have bought her something, I could have given them her take me home outfit I had packed and with me at the hospital.  Brynn, I'm sorry.  I know you don't care but I do.

Thanks be to God for google.  What did we do before google?  I looked up baby burial gowns and found this wonderful project http://www.marymadelineproject.org/ that takes donated wedding dresses and volunteers lovingly make burial gowns for premies and stillborns, and they are right there at hospitals ready to go, no need to contact anyone, think about anything.  I contacted them, joined their cause on facebook, please consider doing this, which is what they need more than anything right now as they are close to having the coveted status of 1500 supporters, and I'll be sending them my wedding dress. 

I got a reply over the weekend - they will send me a gown for whatever comfort that will bring me, and will put Brynn's name in the tag for any and all gowns made with wedding dresses donated in Brynn's honor. 

As one of my fellow pregnant-after-stillbirth moms told me, It's not enough but IT HAS TO BE.

Amen.

These ladies sent their wedding dresses in Brynn's honor.  I know of others who have sent dresses, too, and I'm sure there are those I don't know about still.  Thank you, you have alleviated some pain in the world.