Her Feminine Influence

I have a friend who is, what's the word without sounding too woo-woo, well, I'll just show you. She met a lady at Target shopping for baby swings about a year ago. Somehow, they exchanged numbers and became fast friends. When their friendship was still new, She asked her Target friend who Ann Marie was. Her Target friend was taken aback. My Father's wife, why? My friend was receiving messages from this woman's father, who had died a year earlier. She somehow knew secrets that only her Target friend and her father knew, up until then anyway.
No joke.

So since Brynn died I was hoping for some kind of exchange like that with her. I finally got one. At Shane's party, and at a playdate the week prior, my friend told me that it was like Brynn was attached to me like a koala. As if I was wearing her in a wrap. Brynn has felt closer to me as of late. I find myself casually mentioning things to her, "this is yours, Brynn," or "where's my earing, baby?" When I feel her near, I take more care in my appearance.

Actually, I've embraced her influence in my appearance since the first week. I wanted to look as good as I could for her at her burial. I wore makeup, jewelry, and a pink overcoat. I was overwhelmed with this instinct that girls like their mommies to look pretty.

I remember kind of fighting the color pink when I was pregnant with her. I didn't understand why EVERYTHING for a girl was pink. It seemed oppressive to me in a way. What occurred to me after hours of observing little girls was that they do it on their own. Little girls embrace the inherently feminine. This is something I fought against for most of my adult life, but now, that's changed. To honor Brynn, or simply to go with what feels like her influence, I wear jewelry, a little makeup, and my prettier tops that hardly got any wear last year. I bought pink mary janes. She is in my thoughts now for every accessory purchase. I adorn myself to honor her, and all that she would have shown me. It feels like a relief to cease fire on the color pink.