In Dreams

It's been raining for three days straight.  I do miss the sun, but the rain is my weather now.  It reminds me that we wait and hope for our rainbow baby after the storm.

I've been dreaming about Brynn for two nights.  I remember only having one dream about her before, an untouchable sleeping newborn swaddled tightly on a hill of blanket.  These past two dreams have been wierd.  In both, Brynn's body was ours to keep, not decaying, just lifeless like a doll.  In the first, it was bed time and her lifeless doll body was sqwaking until Jimmy jostled her slightly and then she was silent and I asked him to put her away.  Apparently we had a box to keep her in.  In last night's dream, I had memories of carrying her around when she was alive, but in the dream "now" she was again lifeless, and she had this full head of hair cut into this really bad mullet haircut, and she had big flakes of baby dandruff, which I attempted to clear away, wondering what on earth posessed me to have her hair cut like that.  That was it.

During these same nights, Shane has dreamed of Noah.  We sleep in the same room, and he talks in his sleep.  The first night, in his sleep, he asked me why my new baby had fins when he first came out of my belly.  Last night, in his sleep, he asked to touch my belly, and when I put his hand on it Noah moved around wildly, as if he was in on it.

Last night I also dreamed that there was a disturbance outside our bedroom window.  I thought it sounded like a moose, but Jimmy bent down to look out and said it was a democrator, which was some kind of large, wild cat.  About an hour or two after waking from this dream, I heard yelling outside my window.  I got scared and woke Jimmy who bent down to see a man and a woman fighting loudly in the street.  Watching that image from the bed jarred me, I had seen the exact same thing in my dream hours earlier.

I don't know what any of this means, but all the same it seems significant.

Before bed last night, Shane and I were talking about Heaven.  It's a huge and heavy concept for a little boy, and I remember how anything religious seemed to make no sense at his age.  But, nonetheless, his sister lives there, and he's curious.  He asked if we were going to die someday.  I said yes.  He said he was scared, and I said it seems scary because we've never seen what heaven is like, but for the people who have died, they find out that it's pretty awesome, and better than here.  I told him how there is no sadness, no tears, and no pain.  And no crusty blood (his words).  And no hormones (mine).

He asked if God was dead there.  I said no, and he said, understandably, "Oh, I thought that everyone in Heaven was dead."  Hmmm.  I told him the people in Heaven were more alive than we are, and that God is alive here, we just can't see or touch him like we could in Heaven.

It occurred to me that in reality, if you believe in the heaven of the Bible, that that is actually the real place and this is the dream world.  It's been around far longer than Earth, and we will live for eternity there, when we're only here for a short time.

So take heart.