Jun 13, 2012

Thou Shalt Not Be a Victim

So, last week's fishy funeral kind of sent me down a spiral.  There's a lot of this phrase being thrown around these days: Don't be a victim.

What does it mean to not be a victim?  What does it look like?  Someone's nipping you to death, someone is killing you, how do you not be a victim?  Sometimes (now) I feel like everyone's victim.  I see myself operating from this wounded place.  So determined was I after my fish died to not be the victim, that I found myself acting defensively all the time.  Yelling at people.  My children.  Their father.  For stupid things, like being loud or asking me a question I didn't think was any of my business anymore.  Things I've seen myself handle way better when I wasn't trying so hard.

Most of the time, I do great, I skip through it all singing Tra la la.  Until something happens that reminds me that this crap is hard.  This happened at a Mother's Day show where mom storytellers shared little glimpses into their experiences.  It was intended to celebrate us.  It was intended to help us all feel less alone.  I let myself see a glimpse of how hard life is, and I start to panic.

How do I use this time wisely?  I pay attention to my thoughts and feelings.  I look behind the panic, the defense.  I see that my energy is running low.  I see that I need to assure myself that I am safe.  That I am doing it.  Even when I feel like I'm not doing it right, I am still doing it well.

Prayer helps. Cutting back the caffeine helps. A nice long break works every time, if you can get one.

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