Jul 9, 2012

Partnering Up

So, I've been kind of obsessed with the idea of not being a victim.  I'm still not sure what it looks like, but I'm leaning in the direction of not taking anything personally and forgiving.  Not being a victim as a parent (yes, I have that problem) for me means staying on top of my emotions.  Remembering that although a behavior might be extremely annoying and ruin things that you love, and you may have addressed this behavior hundreds of times already that morning, that maybe the person involved with the behavior is not in fact trying to hurt you by it.  And if they are trying to hurt me, well it is in my highest and best to keep my confidence up, to stay calm, and to resist acting on my impulses.

In a dialogue about loving self-care recently,  my contributions included, "Sometimes I go to the bathroom by myself,"  and "Sometimes while in the bathroom I brush my teeth."  This is actually my strategy for coping when I'm about to lose it.  So, for all you kidless people who go to the bathroom by yourself without feeling like you may be putting a little person in danger by doing so, or that you are making a little person cry by doing so, let me just state the obvious:  parenting is hard.  Especially at bedtime.  At the moment I realize that both kids are asleep and I'm still awake (sort-of), it feels almost level to giving birth.  Ecstactic at the accomplishment, though still feeling a little beat-up by the labor.

Somehow, this all translates inward-style to feeling unsafe...  I gasp alot.  Like, over small things.  Like I've got my finger over the panic button at all times, looking for any reason to use it.

And since I seem to be rambling about things that don't really go together, here's something else:  actually fits in if you follow it through:  I feel like my culture, my country, my people do not support my values.  I am a mature, educated mother doing it alone, and I CHOOSE to be accessible to my children full time.  It feels like too much entitlement for the world.  I feel an external crowd, shouting, "Get off your ass and get a job, lazy!"

But my truth is this: it is an investment in the future of the world to raise up young people to feel whole, and to be compassionate and empathetic and most importantly loved for who they are, and they are most likely not going to get the latter anywhere I could afford to send them as a single working mother paying for childcare.  I believe strongly that it is in the highest and best for my family that I do the work of parenting full-time.  And if I have energy left over that I use it to create a loving home environment, and last but not least spend some quiet moments listening to my inner leadings.

What's ironic is that I'm not really worried about money, I'm worried about the fact that I'm not worried about money, and that is so unlike me.  And, I understand that not paying for my house is not a long-term solution.

As I lay my head down, I ask God to protect us, and I open myself up to heaven's help.  Recently, I have these thoughts:  The work of raising up and supporting a family is a two-person job.  I don't have a partner.  I am so utterly fulfilled by being with my children, that it does not make sense to me to consider doing it another way.

Here's a message I received:

"Let me be your partner.  And, you need to forgive yourself for the breakdown of your marriage.  You need to let go of the responsibility that you feel for that.  You need to let go of the guilt you feel associated with raising up your children in a single-parent household.  You are leading a quality life here.  Let me be your partner.  Leave the finances to me."


1 comment:

  1. I think this is beautiful - you will get through all of this. I know what you mean about society kind of looking down at stay at home moms now - don't let going against the grain bother you. Those first years go so fast and you will look back and know that you did right by those little boys. I look back at the time I spent home full time with my boys and don't regret a moment of it. We were poor during those times but so rich in the emotional connections we made that I see even now that they are older. : )

    Peace my friend