Jul 26, 2012

Anxieties, Blessings, Etc

I was with a dear old friend, talking, like I have been to many people lately, about my feelings of anxiety.  As I described things to her, I listened to my own words like an observer, and heard my thoughts say, "No wonder you have anxiety!  How can anyone not have anxiety?"

I am OK.  My daughter is in Heaven and I'm OK.  My marriage is over and I'm OK.

But, getting to OK can HURT.  Even while connecting with all of the blessings that both of these life events provided, I think there are places within me that are highly motivated to avoid these types of pains.  One of those places is my gaspy breath-drawing part.

Furthermore, I spend all of my time with children. 

One is a screamer.  To live your life in a home with a child who is often screaming or shouting, well, it effects the nervous system.

The other one is in a phase of life in which he is a constant danger to himself.  He is also a constant danger to order, cleanliness, and home structure.  He cares not for folded laundry, the white shirt I'm wearing.  In the moment it takes to reach for a diaper, he pees on the couch.  Currently, he climbs to stand on top of the couch's backrest and leans on the window, pushing out the screen.  Constantly!  I have to wrestle him into his highchair and strap him down so I can fix meals.

And, I've said before that there is a nagging feeling that I should be more worried about money.  I think that nagging feeling is the old, unnecessary pattern that I've repeated all of my life, and it wants to stay.  Even though I don't need it anymore.  My God will provide.  I need to repeat that over and over until the worry goes away.

One of the things maybe I didn't do so well in my marriage was to show appreciation, either publicly or privately.  Well, if I tried, it didn't seem to get through.  So, in my new partnership, one of the things I feel like practicing, is showing my gratitude.  Genuinely. 

And, in the spirit of publicly sharing my appreciation, I want to speak plainly that I am a follower of Jesus.  Not a follower of the judgments and condemnations that churches professing to follow Jesus make.  It makes me sad that there is a difference, but its important to me that you know that I don't wish to be associated with any group thats about anything other than loving thy neighbor.  Even a little bit.  And that I can distinguish between the two and so fully and unashamed enter into a loving relationship with Him.  And share my appreciation for Him without fear of judgment.

I feel I have an opportunity here to share my anxieties and hurts and situations because I have absolute faith that my God will provide, and I will share that part of the story too in hopes of encouraging others.

1 comment:

  1. Teresa,I know I have said it before but the way you are able to write so beautifully amazes me!