Feb 11, 2010


What do people mean when they say, 'I'm not afraid of God because I know He is good'? Have they never even been to a dentist? - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

There is a term I've read in different books on the subject of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. Parents who have experienced one are "initiated." Everyone else is "uninitiated." I know in some way, just like with all babies, we were all awaiting Brynn's birth. And from what I've seen from even the nurses in the hospital, a baby's death is everyone's sadness. I know that Jimmy and I aren't the only ones that Brynn has "initiated."

I don't know if my faith has changed, but my perspective has. I am fully initiated into the reality that horrible things happen. It's fresh and raw and in my face. I believe that Brynn was meant to live. Her death isn't for the best, not meant to be, nor is it any consolation that she may be in a "better" place. I'd do anything to take her from that "better" place and put her back in my arms, in the clothes I had waiting for her, in my house, at my breast. There is disease, there are accidents, there is death, and no one has immunity.

I don't worry anymore about whether God did this, allowed it, or has a hand's off policy where some acts of nature are concerned. I believe He grieves with me. I believe there will be happier times for us.

And although I don't know how heaven works, if Brynn gets my messages, or even knows of me. I believe in sending them anyway. I love you, mommy loves you, mommy loves you, mommy loves you.

1 comment:

  1. Although it was very painful to read, I loved this post, Teresa. I fully believe that God is grieving with you and feels your pain immeasurably. Unfortunately, I have been touched or "initiated" by the loss of several pregnancies. My most recent miscarriage was in November. My friends (in their attempt to comfort me) have said that this must be the will of the Lord or that God must have needed my baby elsewhere more. The very worst was someone from church saying, "I don't know why you are so sad about this. You have two beautiful daughters, aren't you grateful?" Of course I am grateful for my girls, does that mean that I loved or wanted my miscarried babies less? From the very moment I had discovered I was pregnant my heart almost burst with love for them. I had to come to terms with the idea that people just do not know what to say. The words they use, no matter how well meaning, always seemed all too trite, all too empty. This is a terrible loss of a child you love, desire and cherish-there is no better way to put it than that. I am so sorry for your loss. I have been thinking of you constantly and will continue to pray for you, Jimmy and Shane.