Aug 24, 2012

For Whatever I'm Worth

Sometimes when I write an entry, I have a hard time making my point.  It might take three or four entries until I see where I've been trying to go.  So, all this talk about faith versus anxieties over income, yada yada (did I spell yada right?), came to a point today:

How I was raised, how many of us were raised, somehow gave us this belief that we have no inherent value.  That we have to work hard to somehow make up for the fact that we exist.  We must perform and be evaluated to determine our worth, if any.

So, now I'm trying to live in the belief that I have inherent worth.  I'm not doing nothing over here, mind you.  I'm doing all the things, morning, noon, and night, to attend to all the needs and many of the whims of my precious children.   I want to enjoy these moments but I often feel blocked by the worry.  Yet, it makes me feel very uncomfortable not to be worrying about increasing my dollar value.  It makes me uncomfortable not to be worrying.  That is some good insight right there.

I am also struggling with the false belief that is the cousin to the previously mentioned false belief:  That I can't get anyone to stay with me.  Everyone, eventually, will smell my disgusting soul stench and abandon me. Geez, that's embarrassing to admit.

So, if my words ever seem over-confident here, understand that I am largely writing to encourage myself up out of the mucky muck.

Here is Big Sister Me's words to Little Sister Me tonight:  You are on a journey.  Have patience, you have plenty of time.  God has not forgotten you.  You attract beings to love and who love you, until the relationship no longer serves your highest good.  As you grow, you attract higher loves, deeper, more capable loves.  Your disgusting soul stench disappears the instant you realize it doesn't exist.

1 comment:

  1. You are worth so much, you are beautiful! Xo