Aug 18, 2012

Looking at Birds

People are worried.  I'm getting that feeling.  I've alluded to the fact that I haven't made a house payment in over a year.  And I don't have a job.  Friends have been asking, nudging, stating what I could do for work.  I sense that I'm making people nervous. 


My whole life, I have taken on big responsabilities. I gave my all to my employers, I dressed to impress, my numbers were good. I have always been motivated to make the most money for my time. Now that I have small children so much moreso. Now that I engage in the work of creating a healing home environment for myself and said children, my price per hour raises all the more.

I am willing to work.  And I have recently, often, looked for work.  I have feverishly applied for every job on craigslist that I remotely qualify for. I search the new jobs in my area at several times a week.  It occurs to me, as I attach resumes to emails that highlight my marketable skills, that this feels like a stressful waste of energy.  It feels like giving up, and makes me feel nervous, and anxious, and like I am flirting with sacrificing what is best for my family out of fear.

I consider that I would reach my goal faster by sitting in my rocking chair with a cup of tea and remind God of what I need, and remind myself of all the wonderful possibilities.

I know, that me + single motherhood + job stress = more yelling at my children = unhappy life.  So, I need an income-generating activity that not only pays very well per hour but that is also an activity that reduces stress.

Buttttt....  You may say, and there are little voices within me that agree with you, being homeless isn't good for the children either. 

Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow.  They neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that King Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these...

Are you not of more value than they?  Will he not much more feed and clothe (and house) you?

Why am I not worried?  I am trying out on a new track.  My story is becoming one of the stories that I've heard about, that used to make me feel like I wasn't worthy or good enough, or that I lacked the essential nutrients to make things work out in my life.  I'm trying on a new faith.  My story is one that all works out, because I'm open to miracles.  Because I insist on them.

Therefore do not worry, for your Heavenly Father knows that you need all of these things.  Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added to you.

1 comment:

  1. Keep up the blogging, you are incredible! You have a gift.