Sometimes when I write an entry, I have a hard time making my point. It might take three or four entries until I see where I've been trying to go. So, all this talk about faith versus anxieties over income, yada yada (did I spell yada right?), came to a point today:
How I was raised, how many of us were raised, somehow gave us this belief that we have no inherent value. That we have to work hard to somehow make up for the fact that we exist. We must perform and be evaluated to determine our worth, if any.
So, now I'm trying to live in the belief that I have inherent worth. I'm not doing nothing over here, mind you. I'm doing all the things, morning, noon, and night, to attend to all the needs and many of the whims of my precious children. I want to enjoy these moments but I often feel blocked by the worry. Yet, it makes me feel very uncomfortable not to be worrying about increasing my dollar value. It makes me uncomfortable not to be worrying. That is some good insight right there.
I am also struggling with the false belief that is the cousin to the previously mentioned false belief: That I can't get anyone to stay with me. Everyone, eventually, will smell my disgusting soul stench and abandon me. Geez, that's embarrassing to admit.
So, if my words ever seem over-confident here, understand that I am largely writing to encourage myself up out of the mucky muck.
Here is Big Sister Me's words to Little Sister Me tonight: You are on a journey. Have patience, you have plenty of time. God has not forgotten you. You attract beings to love and who love you, until the relationship no longer serves your highest good. As you grow, you attract higher loves, deeper, more capable loves. Your disgusting soul stench disappears the instant you realize it doesn't exist.
Aug 24, 2012
One Kick Butt Summer
Click here to view this photo book larger
I remember signing yearbooks at the end of each school year. Everyone, every year, wrote the same thing: "Have a kick ass summer." Well, I finally did.
We were able to afford to do lots of amazing things, thanks to Living Social deals, coupons, craigslist, and packed lunches.
I wanted to commemorate it. I made this book for Shane to highlight the special events of our amazing summer. I included (all low quality, I'm afraid) pictures from our Storyland vacation, surfing at Nantasket beach, taking dad on a brunch cruise for Father's Day, and some of my favorite times, just hanging out in our yard. I made it for free through a promotion by joining The Baby Center, and then Shutterfly offered me Ten bucks to post it to my blog, so here ya go!
I remember signing yearbooks at the end of each school year. Everyone, every year, wrote the same thing: "Have a kick ass summer." Well, I finally did.
We were able to afford to do lots of amazing things, thanks to Living Social deals, coupons, craigslist, and packed lunches.
I wanted to commemorate it. I made this book for Shane to highlight the special events of our amazing summer. I included (all low quality, I'm afraid) pictures from our Storyland vacation, surfing at Nantasket beach, taking dad on a brunch cruise for Father's Day, and some of my favorite times, just hanging out in our yard. I made it for free through a promotion by joining The Baby Center, and then Shutterfly offered me Ten bucks to post it to my blog, so here ya go!
Turn your favorite photos into a photo book at Shutterfly.com.
Aug 21, 2012
Lonely on the ark.
"Maybe God wasn't talking about a literal flood. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge, or a flood of awareness.."
"If that's true. I'm going to be so pissed."
I can relate to Evan's sentiment. Sometimes I feel like the lonely girl, standing around on this crazy boat all by myself, waiting for my miracle.
I do believe in Jesus. I take the Bible literally. It feels a little lonely here sometimes. Sometimes I feel like if someone professes to believe in Jesus,it is assumed that they also shame people of other beliefs, and vote Republican.
More and more people seem to migrate towards the "spiritual but not religious" category. I know many members of this group were raised in the Church. Traumatized by their upbringing by Christians, in their families maybe. Maybe these individuals were disillusioned by the Christian name to the point that they threw the baby Jesus out with the bathwater. (clever, I know)
A close friend and I were discussing our beliefs. Paraphrased, she was saying that the Bible is a historical novel, and the problem with taking it literally is that you base your feelings of right and wrong on something that is from an antiquated time period. Women were property back then, don't you know. That's a good point.
But I want to believe, I do believe, I'm allowed to believe that all the stories in the Bible are true, and still walk away with a love for Jesus, and gay people, and Jewish people, and even the Republicans ;).
I don't find anything in the Bible that makes it OK to shame others. Or even ourselves. Pray instead of worry, love love love. I absolutely don't have all the answers. I don't even want all the answers. I just have my Faith. And I want to live as though my purpose here is to love. It's a challenge, because I have grown accustomed to other, less lovely feelings.
"If that's true. I'm going to be so pissed."
I can relate to Evan's sentiment. Sometimes I feel like the lonely girl, standing around on this crazy boat all by myself, waiting for my miracle.
I do believe in Jesus. I take the Bible literally. It feels a little lonely here sometimes. Sometimes I feel like if someone professes to believe in Jesus,it is assumed that they also shame people of other beliefs, and vote Republican.
More and more people seem to migrate towards the "spiritual but not religious" category. I know many members of this group were raised in the Church. Traumatized by their upbringing by Christians, in their families maybe. Maybe these individuals were disillusioned by the Christian name to the point that they threw the baby Jesus out with the bathwater. (clever, I know)
A close friend and I were discussing our beliefs. Paraphrased, she was saying that the Bible is a historical novel, and the problem with taking it literally is that you base your feelings of right and wrong on something that is from an antiquated time period. Women were property back then, don't you know. That's a good point.
But I want to believe, I do believe, I'm allowed to believe that all the stories in the Bible are true, and still walk away with a love for Jesus, and gay people, and Jewish people, and even the Republicans ;).
I don't find anything in the Bible that makes it OK to shame others. Or even ourselves. Pray instead of worry, love love love. I absolutely don't have all the answers. I don't even want all the answers. I just have my Faith. And I want to live as though my purpose here is to love. It's a challenge, because I have grown accustomed to other, less lovely feelings.
Aug 18, 2012
Looking at Birds
People are worried. I'm getting that feeling. I've alluded to the fact that I haven't made a house payment in over a year. And I don't have a job. Friends have been asking, nudging, stating what I could do for work. I sense that I'm making people nervous.
Good.
My whole life, I have taken on big responsabilities. I gave my all to my employers, I dressed to impress, my numbers were good. I have always been motivated to make the most money for my time. Now that I have small children so much moreso. Now that I engage in the work of creating a healing home environment for myself and said children, my price per hour raises all the more.
I am willing to work. And I have recently, often, looked for work. I have feverishly applied for every job on craigslist that I remotely qualify for. I search the new jobs in my area at Care.com several times a week. It occurs to me, as I attach resumes to emails that highlight my marketable skills, that this feels like a stressful waste of energy. It feels like giving up, and makes me feel nervous, and anxious, and like I am flirting with sacrificing what is best for my family out of fear.
I consider that I would reach my goal faster by sitting in my rocking chair with a cup of tea and remind God of what I need, and remind myself of all the wonderful possibilities.
I know, that me + single motherhood + job stress = more yelling at my children = unhappy life. So, I need an income-generating activity that not only pays very well per hour but that is also an activity that reduces stress.
Buttttt.... You may say, and there are little voices within me that agree with you, being homeless isn't good for the children either.
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that King Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these...
Are you not of more value than they? Will he not much more feed and clothe (and house) you?
Why am I not worried? I am trying out on a new track. My story is becoming one of the stories that I've heard about, that used to make me feel like I wasn't worthy or good enough, or that I lacked the essential nutrients to make things work out in my life. I'm trying on a new faith. My story is one that all works out, because I'm open to miracles. Because I insist on them.
Therefore do not worry, for your Heavenly Father knows that you need all of these things. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added to you.
Good.
My whole life, I have taken on big responsabilities. I gave my all to my employers, I dressed to impress, my numbers were good. I have always been motivated to make the most money for my time. Now that I have small children so much moreso. Now that I engage in the work of creating a healing home environment for myself and said children, my price per hour raises all the more.
I am willing to work. And I have recently, often, looked for work. I have feverishly applied for every job on craigslist that I remotely qualify for. I search the new jobs in my area at Care.com several times a week. It occurs to me, as I attach resumes to emails that highlight my marketable skills, that this feels like a stressful waste of energy. It feels like giving up, and makes me feel nervous, and anxious, and like I am flirting with sacrificing what is best for my family out of fear.
I consider that I would reach my goal faster by sitting in my rocking chair with a cup of tea and remind God of what I need, and remind myself of all the wonderful possibilities.
I know, that me + single motherhood + job stress = more yelling at my children = unhappy life. So, I need an income-generating activity that not only pays very well per hour but that is also an activity that reduces stress.
Buttttt.... You may say, and there are little voices within me that agree with you, being homeless isn't good for the children either.
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that King Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these...
Are you not of more value than they? Will he not much more feed and clothe (and house) you?
Why am I not worried? I am trying out on a new track. My story is becoming one of the stories that I've heard about, that used to make me feel like I wasn't worthy or good enough, or that I lacked the essential nutrients to make things work out in my life. I'm trying on a new faith. My story is one that all works out, because I'm open to miracles. Because I insist on them.
Therefore do not worry, for your Heavenly Father knows that you need all of these things. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added to you.
Aug 1, 2012
A Very Good Year
I've been a single mom for a year. This makes me proud, excited, and depressed all at once. I could wax poetic about it all, but I'm too darn tired. And that, my friends, about sums it up.
I'm adding on here a few days later because I want to give justice to this hallmark. I sacrificed a lot in marriage. As did my husband. Marriage is a beautiful thing, and it is also an extremely hard thing, from my experience and observation. There was a time where I would have sacrificed anything to stay married, but I wasn't given that choice. Now I'm grateful for that fact. And someday I hope to be partnered up with some amazing spirit that is housed in warm flesh and blood, but for now, I am glad for the break. Sometimes I even feel sorry for married people.
This past year started in a panicked stream of tears. August 2, 2011 I felt untethered to the Earth, and not in a good way. I repeated the phrase "I'm in crisis." I asked for help. I cheered myself up by bringing bright, colorful decor into the home. Without asking anyone. We brought in lots more pets. We started eating meals at the table. I gathered around me, and was gathered into circles of friends that inspire me and support me. I spent evenings reading books filled with wisdom and comfort. It has been one of the best years of my life.
I'm adding on here a few days later because I want to give justice to this hallmark. I sacrificed a lot in marriage. As did my husband. Marriage is a beautiful thing, and it is also an extremely hard thing, from my experience and observation. There was a time where I would have sacrificed anything to stay married, but I wasn't given that choice. Now I'm grateful for that fact. And someday I hope to be partnered up with some amazing spirit that is housed in warm flesh and blood, but for now, I am glad for the break. Sometimes I even feel sorry for married people.
This past year started in a panicked stream of tears. August 2, 2011 I felt untethered to the Earth, and not in a good way. I repeated the phrase "I'm in crisis." I asked for help. I cheered myself up by bringing bright, colorful decor into the home. Without asking anyone. We brought in lots more pets. We started eating meals at the table. I gathered around me, and was gathered into circles of friends that inspire me and support me. I spent evenings reading books filled with wisdom and comfort. It has been one of the best years of my life.
Jul 29, 2012
Opportunity Awaits
It all began when I shared a link on facebook showing my support for gay marriage. I paused before I shared it because I knew that it may spawn a debate, and maybe disappoint some people that I care about to reveal the side I'm on. I have a diverse group of facebook friends. My extended family and friends from my Evangelical private college, and varied other church affliliations, on the whole, don't support the gay lifestyle. I italicized because I feel that's an absurd word choice, but it reflects the viewpoint of the religious right. (I saw a funny bumper sticker recently: The Religious Right are Neither.)
Most of the fb friends that I've attracted into my life in the last fifteen years are gay-lovers like me. So, there was a little heated tit for tat happening between a psychologist friend and my beloved Uncle. We were accused of holding the popular belief, like some flotsam and jetsom floating along wherever the social current takes us. Well, it got me thinking about my life and views, and now I have something to say.
In my church and youth fellowships, I was taught that gay people were perverse and icky. In college, I decided that most gay people were victims of childhood sexual abuse. Because at that time, most of the gay people I knew were victims of childhood sexual abuse. A disproportionately large percentage from family members who were also church leaders, I'm behooved to add.
I took a graduate class in multicultural counseling, and took on the topic of GLBT youth populations for my 30 page paper. I had the opportunity to interview the most precious teenagers. I fell in love with these kids, recognizing that, at the age of 14, they were already doing the work of embracing who they were in the face of tidalwaves of external and internal opposition. They had already stopped trying to be who they were not, and bravely listened to and followed their inner compass. They had something that I wanted, something that alludes so many of us at any age. Authenticity.
They sure didn't feel popular for their lifestyle choice.
According to google, GLBT youth are five times more likely to commit suicide than are heterosexual youth. In fact, suicide is the leading cause of death for gay and lesbian youth.
I have friends who love their faith, who have created beautiful families, but are not welcome to worship in their church of choice.
Christians, we have been given the opportunity to support our fellow humans, to love our neighbor, and instead the opportunity is taken to condemn and ostracize. Fellow lovers of Christ, this is not what we have been called to do.
I am not interested at all in the argument of what's wrong and what's right. Could NOT care less. I keep plenty busy focussing on my own salvation, and on loving my neighbor. Plenty busy.
Most of the fb friends that I've attracted into my life in the last fifteen years are gay-lovers like me. So, there was a little heated tit for tat happening between a psychologist friend and my beloved Uncle. We were accused of holding the popular belief, like some flotsam and jetsom floating along wherever the social current takes us. Well, it got me thinking about my life and views, and now I have something to say.
In my church and youth fellowships, I was taught that gay people were perverse and icky. In college, I decided that most gay people were victims of childhood sexual abuse. Because at that time, most of the gay people I knew were victims of childhood sexual abuse. A disproportionately large percentage from family members who were also church leaders, I'm behooved to add.
I took a graduate class in multicultural counseling, and took on the topic of GLBT youth populations for my 30 page paper. I had the opportunity to interview the most precious teenagers. I fell in love with these kids, recognizing that, at the age of 14, they were already doing the work of embracing who they were in the face of tidalwaves of external and internal opposition. They had already stopped trying to be who they were not, and bravely listened to and followed their inner compass. They had something that I wanted, something that alludes so many of us at any age. Authenticity.
They sure didn't feel popular for their lifestyle choice.
According to google, GLBT youth are five times more likely to commit suicide than are heterosexual youth. In fact, suicide is the leading cause of death for gay and lesbian youth.
I have friends who love their faith, who have created beautiful families, but are not welcome to worship in their church of choice.
Christians, we have been given the opportunity to support our fellow humans, to love our neighbor, and instead the opportunity is taken to condemn and ostracize. Fellow lovers of Christ, this is not what we have been called to do.
I am not interested at all in the argument of what's wrong and what's right. Could NOT care less. I keep plenty busy focussing on my own salvation, and on loving my neighbor. Plenty busy.
Jul 26, 2012
Anxieties, Blessings, Etc
I was with a dear old friend, talking, like I have been to many people lately, about my feelings of anxiety. As I described things to her, I listened to my own words like an observer, and heard my thoughts say, "No wonder you have anxiety! How can anyone not have anxiety?"
I am OK. My daughter is in Heaven and I'm OK. My marriage is over and I'm OK.
But, getting to OK can HURT. Even while connecting with all of the blessings that both of these life events provided, I think there are places within me that are highly motivated to avoid these types of pains. One of those places is my gaspy breath-drawing part.
Furthermore, I spend all of my time with children.
One is a screamer. To live your life in a home with a child who is often screaming or shouting, well, it effects the nervous system.
The other one is in a phase of life in which he is a constant danger to himself. He is also a constant danger to order, cleanliness, and home structure. He cares not for folded laundry, the white shirt I'm wearing. In the moment it takes to reach for a diaper, he pees on the couch. Currently, he climbs to stand on top of the couch's backrest and leans on the window, pushing out the screen. Constantly! I have to wrestle him into his highchair and strap him down so I can fix meals.
And, I've said before that there is a nagging feeling that I should be more worried about money. I think that nagging feeling is the old, unnecessary pattern that I've repeated all of my life, and it wants to stay. Even though I don't need it anymore. My God will provide. I need to repeat that over and over until the worry goes away.
One of the things maybe I didn't do so well in my marriage was to show appreciation, either publicly or privately. Well, if I tried, it didn't seem to get through. So, in my new partnership, one of the things I feel like practicing, is showing my gratitude. Genuinely.
And, in the spirit of publicly sharing my appreciation, I want to speak plainly that I am a follower of Jesus. Not a follower of the judgments and condemnations that churches professing to follow Jesus make. It makes me sad that there is a difference, but its important to me that you know that I don't wish to be associated with any group thats about anything other than loving thy neighbor. Even a little bit. And that I can distinguish between the two and so fully and unashamed enter into a loving relationship with Him. And share my appreciation for Him without fear of judgment.
I feel I have an opportunity here to share my anxieties and hurts and situations because I have absolute faith that my God will provide, and I will share that part of the story too in hopes of encouraging others.
I am OK. My daughter is in Heaven and I'm OK. My marriage is over and I'm OK.
But, getting to OK can HURT. Even while connecting with all of the blessings that both of these life events provided, I think there are places within me that are highly motivated to avoid these types of pains. One of those places is my gaspy breath-drawing part.
Furthermore, I spend all of my time with children.
One is a screamer. To live your life in a home with a child who is often screaming or shouting, well, it effects the nervous system.
The other one is in a phase of life in which he is a constant danger to himself. He is also a constant danger to order, cleanliness, and home structure. He cares not for folded laundry, the white shirt I'm wearing. In the moment it takes to reach for a diaper, he pees on the couch. Currently, he climbs to stand on top of the couch's backrest and leans on the window, pushing out the screen. Constantly! I have to wrestle him into his highchair and strap him down so I can fix meals.
And, I've said before that there is a nagging feeling that I should be more worried about money. I think that nagging feeling is the old, unnecessary pattern that I've repeated all of my life, and it wants to stay. Even though I don't need it anymore. My God will provide. I need to repeat that over and over until the worry goes away.
One of the things maybe I didn't do so well in my marriage was to show appreciation, either publicly or privately. Well, if I tried, it didn't seem to get through. So, in my new partnership, one of the things I feel like practicing, is showing my gratitude. Genuinely.
And, in the spirit of publicly sharing my appreciation, I want to speak plainly that I am a follower of Jesus. Not a follower of the judgments and condemnations that churches professing to follow Jesus make. It makes me sad that there is a difference, but its important to me that you know that I don't wish to be associated with any group thats about anything other than loving thy neighbor. Even a little bit. And that I can distinguish between the two and so fully and unashamed enter into a loving relationship with Him. And share my appreciation for Him without fear of judgment.
I feel I have an opportunity here to share my anxieties and hurts and situations because I have absolute faith that my God will provide, and I will share that part of the story too in hopes of encouraging others.
Jul 20, 2012
Enjoying the Ride
I did something I'm really proud of. I took my boys on a vacation to Story Land in New Hampshire's White Mountain Region, which is like Mecca for New England children. I planned it, found discount everything and paid for it with money I still had saved from work that ended months ago. And even though I had anxieties about things going wildly wrong, nothing went wrong. In fact, some things seemed miraculous We played in the Ellis River, swam in the pool, drove to McDonalds with a playspace, then played in an outdoor playground, got ice cream and walked the quaint shops of North Conway, got in the car and while Noah napped we drove up the white mountains, got a bumper sticker that said This Car Climbed Mt. Washington (I've always wanted this bumper sticker!), then went to Story Land, got pizza for dinner and drove around at twilight on a self-guided Moose Tour, all in ONE day.
As I drove home last night, the kids sleeping, I got a peaceful feeling. More than peaceful, inspired. My anxieties were nullified. As I go along living my life, I often wonder if I'm doing it OK. You know, "it", as in everything. I am constantly putting my actions on a scale, rating, wondering how am I doing ... driving home, I got a break from that self-judgment. I am satisfied with how I did for these three days.
This all coming together seems really significant to me. I did this for us. All by myself. This was our very first family vacation.
I just reread this. True there was no other adult in the car or hotel room with us, but I had a partner with me every step of the way, and I owe one sweet Lord some props. Thank you, to the most sweetest partner.
This all coming together seems really significant to me. I did this for us. All by myself. This was our very first family vacation.
I just reread this. True there was no other adult in the car or hotel room with us, but I had a partner with me every step of the way, and I owe one sweet Lord some props. Thank you, to the most sweetest partner.
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